life is wrapping up, and all too quick for me to react. sometimes i don't even have time to think about it...college is over. 2 weeks of work left. then no more classes and no more homework. no tests. just real life...i'm petrified. scared breathless. i shit you not.
senior symposium is in less than 8 hours, and i am glad for it. by monday i will be finished with 10 credit hours of work - and maybe then i'll be able to focus on my life just a bit. but it's not like senior design is all i have been doing by any means. i have a bunch of other things going on school-wise, like my [completely awesome] embedded systems project and the general hell that communication systems brings about.
alas, the more i look into my life, the more i realize that i am a bit too preoccupied with "work". preoccupied with school mostly. but also preoccupied with being a pike. i can't say much as to what i would do differently here at rose if i were to relive it all. the largest decision i made at rose was to join pike [the next largest being my major - computer engineering]. and i enjoy the experience...yet the way that i'm living this experience feels like it is draining all the time i have for everything else - even though i have been mostly a "slap" [according to some]. but fuck that. i have done my share of work and definitely tried my best to lead for what i see as right.
getting shot down from exec was painful. and it sucked. the hardest thing to do was get up and feel motivated to do work. that one experience - that one vote - has changed my life forever. i can only imagine that it turned my life for the worse path of the two - mind you not the worst path. man. that sucked. i think i pulled it to whatever positives there were, but...what positives reign in defeat outside of personal growth? there is no gain in defeat - only changes in what you are.
on another note, some of my friendships have by far grown in this year - some of which i would have never expected. although my room mate and myself have staled due to a variety of reasons, i have found others to both confide in and crack jokes with. some friendships feel like professional friendships only...yet others remind me of the friendships i had back in high school. and sadly enough, i am going to lose them much like i lost my friendships in high school. to this, i have to say: fuck. i don't want to grow up. but it seems that in 3 weeks, i will be done being a youth and moving on to being just some middle-aged guy...
i don't regret making the decisions i made to get here. pike is awesome. engineering is awesome. but sometimes i wonder how much i have set myself back in other manners. have i set myself back at all? what areas have i grown in? what areas have i faltered in? assuredly [almost expectedly], rose has stunted whatever social life would be possible between me and "the ladies". sometimes i wonder if i even speak the same language as the girls i talk to...which really sucks. i presume because i am too blunt in my words - i lack tact. i also lack a visible compassionate side - being that i am, as i would say, an "arrogant ass". but even then, i don't know if in my tenure at rose i have met a girl that i would even consider to be my counterpart. although i am picking from a small pool here - it is depressing...
the only worry i have in my future now - aside from corporate/working living - is if i am prepared to be on my own. i have never been on my own for real. boredom drives me to depression quicker than anything else outside of loneliness. and without a task outside of work and without people to hang around...well, put it together. i often joke that i'd take a bullet for fun while bored - and to a certain degree, i feel it's true. i'm not saying i'd shoot myself. i'm not saying i'd walk in the path of a stray bullet. i'm saying being bored or lonely sucks. and i'm pretty sure a bullet would be better company than a 17" computer monitor, a book, or even the rare set of juggling pins.
enough of my worries. tomorrow is a "big day". i have to...well, stay awake. g'night. - el wojo