so, another week has gone by, and i've done some cool stuff, but a lot has been dawning on me about my character recently. and i'm not sure what the hell is going on...
with my job, i had a meeting or two to get me moved around (or at least say that "man, my job sucks...and here's why"). i really don't like to create any trouble...but i know that being a software developer is not for me...especially when the code is not code at all. so...i may be moving to another area to do some stuff (maybe with sensor testing?). i'm not sure...i just hope it happens soon because i'm running out of sanity, and quick.
then, well, i got my "mid-term review" from my supervisor...who really doesn't know what i've done, how i communicate with people at work, or what guidance i've actually had in the dept. so...yeah, he doesn't know much about what i've been up to (outside of our 3 or 4 thirty minute meetings we've had and a couple of talks with my project lead). and, i'm pretty sure that my saying "i don't like my job" and completely leveling with him on what i do at work (office space-esquely saying "I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work") didn't help my evaluation either...because, let's face it, he is basing my 7 weeks on about 1 hour of experience. little does he know that when i'm working, i'm probably working faster than most anyone in my area...and probably would have just as much done as any of the full-timers if they were to do my job. but...oh well
my rating was a 4 out of 5 overall - 1 being the best. mostly, i got 3's, but his logic said that "the average was closer to 3, but that would mean these two fours didn't count...", but that doesn't urk me so much. i don't care. what urks me is the fact that he knows i'm capable and yet put a "no" next to the "would you recommend this intern for full-time interviews" box. WTF. honestly.
so...yeah. he then proceeded to give me about 1.5 hours of lecture (during the evaluation and after...), which i didn't mind too much. the guy kicks ass and honestly cares. but sometimes i'm not sure...
it made me question my major.
it made me question myself.
deep down inside, i don't even know if i want to work at all. when i think of what the world has to offer me, i think about living. and oddly enough, i don't see work as a part of that. it scares me in a way. but it angers me all the same.
living mostly on my own this summer has helped me realize a few things, but the realization that has stirred me most is that "i don't want to be here". when i say this, i don't mean working where i work. i don't mean living on my own. i don't mean any of that at all. what i mean is: i don't want to be in this world. the wonders and beauties that man has created in his search for life have brought him farther from it than ever before. and i just ... don't want to be here.
that's all i have to say for now. i think i'm going to relax and just...read. i'm on book 3 of The Hunter's Blade Trilogy brought to me via RA Salvatore. it's a good read...and for his ~17th book, it still has some magic to it. that's all...wojo out.
PS: went paintballing today. twas a good time...two bruises to show and a lot of good times.