it's kinda odd. i just got out of our fraternity's "pass the gavel", yet i feel no less burdened than before. in fact, i have a feeling in my mind that i haven't felt. ever.
i have to say, this quarter has been a development for me. i haven't been able to make my way as i usually have. i know something is different about me. but not in the sense of some pubescent experience...or some religious revelation. this is more of a feeling of solitude of the heart and mind. i feel as if my mind has been segragated from my will, although they may still be in agreement. imagine that you are holding an object, but you cannot tell that you are holding it, as if your hand is asleep. that is my mind. i can "hold" my mind, but i can feel my mind's will no longer.
i am thoroughly convinced that my family suffers from some sort of clinical depression...as an entirety. i have never once seen any of my family happy for more than a week...although this may just be my personal skewed version of this story. i myself can barely claim to ever be "happy"...although i suppose that i am rarely "down". i know that i am not normal like others in most manners...in terms of how i feel about things and reason with them as well as my personality. but i wonder if others have ever had the problems i believe i have now. and how the fuck did they deal with them?
breaking a minor violation here, i am going to state my case. i am a person who has been afflicted with many social issues. i'm not talking about drinking or smoking or drugs. i'm talking about talking. i've never quite been the social person, although i can be social. i just tend to be indebted to saying nothing. but when i do say stuff...what the fuck? apparently i just don't know what the fuck to say and/or how to say it. this has nothing to do with what's been happening in my life recently, it's just what i have learned about myself over time. and now i'm just confused. a lot.
people say that i am hard to reason with and work with. i know this. but the thing is, no matter how hard i try to change this, how often i try to change my patterns, i am always the same. i have known of this problem of mine well since before freshman year of highschool. in fact, i have often stressed myself much on fixing it, with at best temporary results. and believe me, i have cried nights on this matter. there is nothing more painful than rejecting yourself...and why? because you feel that it is necessary -- nay, it is necessary. just what is it though? what do i need to do? what do i need to change? if i knew any of these answers, trust me in this: i would not broadcast this here.
i have to admit, i am at least happy to say i feel i belong where i am now. the sense of futility i used to have in my life...well, it's gone for the most part. in case most people haven't ever noticed...i am quite depressed. i mean, as a personality aspect. i am a dissatisfied person. i think about things way too much. i get upset easily. and most of all. i am confused. all the time. years ago, i used to feel as if suicide were an option. i am glab beyond belief that i have passed beyond this...but in knowing that it isn't an answer, i still have the problem. and damn...i'll be damned if i want to live my life inable to communicate with people.
oh well. for now, that's it. it feels like i haven't written about much here...but i guarantee you this: i have written about this more than once. i just haven't ever hit that "submit" button.
comments recommended...even if they aren't entirely constructive